Dr. Gabe,

How would you advise children (and adult children) to deal with parents who make them choose sides?

- Michelle from Massachusetts

Posted 01/14/09 03:45 PM

DR. GABE’S ANSWER:

Michelle, it’s always difficult when the children are placed in the middle of a heated divorce. Some experts say it can lead to the Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), in which the children will sometimes reject one of the parents due to one parent badmouthing, denigrating, etc. the other. The literature suggests it’s okay to tell the child what they might already know–Divorce sucks! It can be difficult for the kids and quite possibly represent a loss for the children. Very often the kids worry that if she/he doesn’t ’side’ with the one parent against the other they may lose both parents. If the parents can tear themselves away from their personal agendas long enough to see the potential damage being done to their kids, perhaps they can work together to do what is best for the children. Finally, research suggests children stay connected to activities/rituals (i.e., after school programs, music, sports programs, etc.) already established, as a way to provide a sense of emotional comfort and stability for the kids while their parents “duke” it out.

-Best-

-Dr. Gabe-